Every man wants somebody to love and have that person love him in return with everything they have. Love is what makes the world go round, it brings joy to people’s hearts and minds. And so I find myself without romantic love, all the time. When you have a very low self esteem like I had and in some ways still do, you create this shield around you, letting no one in or come too close and when ever you take a chance on love you have trust issues.
I reject women too, I’m scared of intimacy and I’m scared of sex. Sex before marriage. The guilt literally eats me alive and I often get furiously angry, not violent just an uncontrollable rage. And you know what the craziest thing of all is, the moment I lose all control is that… I like it. The release of anger being harbored for months at a time sometimes years, and then you just explode, violently, booooooom, big badda boom tehe ‘think the fith element’ yeah it feels good. Women tend to bring that anger out in me, don’t know why, they just do. When I’m single I’m fairly placid and calm, I tolerate a lot and direct anger inward. But bring a woman into the picture and all the resentment and hurt comes out. I am cowardly in that aspect. A man will get me angry but I won’t do anything unless an actual fight breaks out and we all start swinging. With a woman I’ll rage and scream and scare her, but stop short of physically hurting her. Yes men like me who do that to woman are cowards. I am hard at work on my rage and maybe some anger management classes will help.
I also reject woman because if I have to see the disappointment in their eyes one more time I’m going to have a freak out and maybe just drink myself to death. When you are poor and have no money, no car, no license, live in a low cost house out in the sticks and have only 4 shirts and two pairs of pants and a dog who runs off to other people, you feel unworthy of any woman’s love. I don’t know how some guys do it. They have nothing but still has a girlfriend, baffles me. It all comes down to never believing I’m good enough and that they will soon leave me and then I’m hurt. So when I finally do get into a relationship I become extremely difficult and stubborn.
When women meet me I appear to have it all together, partly. I don’t drink don’t smoke I hardly swear and when I dress up a bit I look somewhat handsome. In some ways I do have it together and so its nice to see them flirting a little and have an interest in me, but then the cracks start showing. Soon they find out I have no car, minus 5, ooh no license either minus 150, hmmm live in poverty minus 510, only have 4 shirts awe poor guy. And then, then comes the sigh and the shoulder drop. That sigh of her disappointment when she thought she might have found someone that she can build a relationship with and see where things go, only to find out that this man has nothing to offer. Love is not enough here and the fact that he doesn’t do any drugs is also not enough. Also how is he going to care for me and my children, who’s going to do all the driving, where will we live, certainly not in his one bedroom place with one plug and a light. No toilet, the toilet is an out house with a hole in the ground, you have to wash dishes and yourself in a round bucket, he sleeps on the floor. No thank you, I’ll keep looking.
It devastates me to experience the disappointment over and over. It sucks the life out of me and so let me just reject them one by one so I don’t have to relive that every time I meet someone. I get them interested just enough and then go cold leaving them with what ever they are feeling, but please don’t find out who I really am and then natural selection weeds me out as a potential mate. Another thing that happens is a girl will show interest, then I will find reasons not to date her, either she’s not really my type or that I feel that she’s not really grown up enough or has issues. Whatever it is I will always find a reason not to date someone in order to protect myself. Oh and the ones I truly like has a husband or is just not into me. Married women also flirt with me until they see I’m interested in some way and then they reject. I don’t know why they do this, its confusing and a little insulting actually. I stay far away from married women because I have moral fiber and they are a no go in my books. Friendship is also limited with them, married women are trouble if they are not loved by there husbands and seek it somewhere else.
So I slide into the friendship slot with most women and not on top of the list either, you will find me on page five under ‘limited to very brief conversations until more interesting people arrive’. they never say this, obviously, mind you some do, but its clear from the moment their shoulders drop and that sigh comes out that its over mr rover ‘sorry pal page five, off you go, cheers thanks for coming’. Friends are very important in this world and having christian friends is a must, but it would be nice to spark a true love connection with someone special.
I thought about it the other day, I want to commit and I think I’m ready but I can’t just be with anyone, there has to be a deep mutual connection right from the beginning. Unfortunately my guard is always high up, the moment her interest is at its peak and she doesn’t know anything about me yet I pull away before she has a chance to show me her inevitable disappointment or I show interest and she pulls away. Thus no one ever gets close and when they do I get so scared that they will leave me because I have nothing that I start panicking and get overwhelmed. I value female friends but I can even see in their eyes how they wish I could be better off financially. And so I’m lonely, always having my shields drawn up high. I pray to God for someone just to take the time to get to know me and not flee the second they see I’m taking shots in life and don’t have it all together. One day I will but right now I don’t. I’m going to lay off women for a while and focus on other stuff. This love game is irritating me actually.
I get angry, really angry because I want to better my life with my business, my own business. I don’t want to work for someone, and many people say just find a job until your business picks up. NO I don’t want to find a job, I want My business ventures to be a success. I am the worst employee anyway and don’t focus on the task at hand, I have been fired many times because I end up at an eight to five and all I wanna do is leave. These posts I get is just a meaningless grind for me, I also tend to daydream on the job 🙂 yeah I’m a bad employee. All I ask is that the effort and the money I put into my business will turn a decent profit and get me ahead in life.
I don’t know if you are born with a business gene but some people just have that gift and everything they touch turns into profit instantly, of course they work very very hard and some even neglect their families for success. I have nothing against rich people, good on all of you for working hard and making a success of your life. How some of the rich treat others is of course a different story. I’m officially the poorest business man on planet earth hehe, sucks if you ask me. I’m just a bit frustrated and venting on ya’ll, but I’d like squeeze some money out of my efforts. I have been a web designer for 7 years and have lost many many many clients and deals and have spend a lot of time and money trying to make a living for myself, a good living where I can get married and have kids, but no, I’m still poor and nothing wants to work out quite how I want it to. I’m extremely stubborn and I am going to succeed in this, when I don’t know.
I am in a good frame of mind really but I need someone, to pair off and tell her the secrets of my day, secrets that ask for the shade. Who that will be I don’t know and when is an even bigger mystery. No that I’ve written this I feel better.